It's a lovers' world
A living theory of love (and a little poem)
I love asking people what true love means to them. It feels like laying bare the bedrock on which our lives are built. When we fall in love, everything becomes adorned with a shimmer. But we only learn to become better lovers through practice, and if we are lucky, we cross paths with people who show us how. Through these conversations, I've discovered a three-fold living theory of love:
1.
You know it’s right when he lets you completely be yourself. Aunt Barbara repeats every time we call. Her piece of wisdom has practically become my mantra.
Are we unapologetically ourselves? Recently, I’ve discovered that the litmus test to this question may be a simple, truth-revealing physical experience — belly-aching, out-of-the-world kind of laughter. Two people completely melt into themselves: it feels safe, like walking down a sunny boulevard with nothing to hide.
In Animal Joy, Alsadir describes both laughter and crying as "eruptions from the unconscious" — moments where the true self breaks through social conditioning. There are two kinds of laughter — Duchenne laughter, the “full-bodied outburst that overtakes you," and non-Duchenne laughter, the socially coded communication that comprises 90% of human laughter, serving to control interactions. We instinctively know which kind is real.
People say they feel lost because they don't know who they are. But I think it also comes from a lack of relationships around them that make them feel seen and themselves. Most situations in life are not conditioned for authentic expression. Surrounding ourselves with friends who let us be ourselves is the most affirming and empowering experience —because so long as we are ourselves, it's impossible to be lost.
2.
This person must make you feel like you are the most fantastic person in the world! My dear friend Francesca exclaims each time the topic of love and relationship comes up. There’s a lot of passion and truth here. A meaningful relationship is built on mutual admiration and respect. It's unmistakable — falling for someone, just looking at them convinces me they are the most wonderful thing I've ever seen.
I can’t believe I’m this lucky.
I’m starry-eyed. And it goes both ways, for lovers and friends.
3.
Then comes the test of a lifetime: No matter what you are going through, I will be here to hold your hand while you figure it out. When Shannon said those exact words to me, tears rolled down my face: my dear friend has found her beloved.
Perfect timing for love is a myth. There is only the right person. The universe is indifferent to our excuses. We will find nothing behind protective detachment, because a closed heart isn't worth protecting.
Beyond this mountain stands another. But the right people go through together. The right people choose each other and force the stars to align if that means they have to gaze from another valley that takes months of trekking to get to. In the toils of life, we meet and magnetize, finding ways to promise and keep those promises.
I’ll be here to hold your hand while you figure it out.
*
Perhaps because both are equally profound, I have this romanticized vision of love that mirrors the making of the universe: we are unknown elements floating aimlessly in darkness, and love is the force that binds us and slowly gives us purpose. We are bioluminescence learning to glow. With each heartbeat, it becomes clearer what this is all about.
In Dao De Jing, Lao Zi generally refrains from opinions about anything other than living in the harmony of Dao, which abstractly refers to “the path” or the ineffable source underlying all existence. In the rare occasion where he does talk about what he holds dearly, the first of his three treasures is love:
“Because I love, I am brave…
Whatever heaven wishes to save, it protects with love.”
The ability to love soothes all fears, which is why I think I’ve always lived life in a hands-up, give-all type of way. All optimists are lovers; when life falls apart (which it inevitably does again and again), love re-builds it without fail.
*
I saw this theory come alive yesterday. At a friend’s wedding, the bride and the groom talked about growing into the best versions of themselves in the safe space of their love — from love at first sight as desk-mates in middle school to getting married at the age of 30. A simple occasion witnessed by mountains and the sea, where forevers meet.
The whole time, I couldn’t stop thinking about eternity. When Salma and I exchanged messages about love earlier, she spoke of love in the most beautiful way only she can:
“I pray that whatever love you find and foster, it serves as a reminder of the ultimate Beloved - the one that Rumi tells us secrets about, the one we come home to at the end of the longest day (in the Quran, it talks about how we will come to realize, when faced with eternity, that this life was like a day or just a brief morning - it always gives me shivers!)
How beautiful and meaningful to spend that day of life in love…”
How beautiful and meaningful to spend that day of life in love!
It’s a lovers’ world (A little poem from May)
It's Spring and color-full. Not another fleeting, earthquaking obsession. No questions or guesses, or fears of not-enough. It's soft. A warm tub, heart-bracing. It’s ticklish. Suddenly, life is no longer in my hands. A flower-sniffing, nail-nibbling, spice-loving boy. Sometimes, I have these intense thoughts— like a puppy learning the smell of home. My lungs expand. Do they have wings? Why do I feel like flying? I look at the sky, the vast blue, and think my heart is no different.
Writing on a long train ride,
sending you love wherever you are.
Erica x