The way to keep going

on ruts

Montaña de colores, Peru (October 16, 2023)

Lately, I’ve reflected on all the times I’ve sunken into periods of torpor and gotten out of them. My friends say, “You are getting good at jumping out of these ruts — you practically hop over them!” Still, I think it’s extremely important to be honest about how we fall into them, and most importantly, what we need to climb out.

As a founder, I’ve experienced a few extreme ruts that took a lot of strength and conviction to get out of. Although ruts are not exclusively a founder syndrome, the founder journey is made up of a lot of unknowns that we have to slowly figure out — like surfing big ocean waves, like working out the physics of a different planet.

I think the reason we get into ruts is not because of high or low intensity work — you can work as much as you are capable of — but how in tune we are with what really matters to us. To me, that is loving those I care about and building this life with them. We are the sum of people who love us and the people we love. I’m only able to do what I do because of the love I have in my life.

This perspective isn’t talked about enough in the startup world, where the macho culture gets high on 70-hour coding weeks and being “cracked” without promoting how to meaningfully sustain that. I’ve felt the pull of that culture — the idea that if I’m not running on empty, I’m not doing enough. But I learned the hard way that you can’t outrun burnout with more hustle. The ruts I fell into weren’t because I wasn’t working hard enough. They were because I’d lost touch with why I was working at all.

This is my reflection on how to sustain extremely intense work sprints, going all out while not compromising the life I want.

Listen

A rut kicks in with a numbing feeling and is followed by a series of whys. Why don’t I feel as excited as I used to about my work? How should I start my day today? These whys can be extremely overwhelming, more so than product-related whys.

First, always listen to yourself and give yourself your full attention. Ask this instead:

What would you be doing if not working on what you think you must work on today?

A few responses I’ve heard myself answer before:

• I don’t want to work on anything else, but I wish there’s more validation and positive affirmation to carry on with this strategy.

  Look at all the previous milestones you’ve hit and the beautiful vision of all the impact to come. Realize that it takes many little steps until something really validating happens. It’s a normal part of the journey. Keep going.

  • PS: Linus has a really good blog post on gaining conviction in exploration and balancing dream and reality — A beginner’s guide to exploration

• I feel really tired.
  Maybe you’ve been working too much and need to take a short break.

• I feel stuck in my thoughts.
  This is a sign that you need to tap back into your community. Can you think of a coffee chat with a brilliant mind to look forward to?

• Am I still on the right track?
  Ah, this one could be because of many things. A prolonged period with zero progress could mean that a gentle pivot is needed — perhaps a roadmap review to reset benchmarks and strategies. In the case of self-doubt, remember the people in your life and how much you are loved.

Being in honest dialogue with yourself is the first step to getting out of a rut. Sometimes, this happens in the form of journaling or a conversation with an honest friend, but in the case of more clinical situations, therapy is a great idea. My brilliant psychotherapist friend, Tyger, has told me that therapy works when you become better at knowing your needs & using the tools to fulfill your needs.

A toolbox

It’s important to build a toolbox for when those blues find us again. Everything in this toolbox is an instant mood reliever — make each tool as accessible as possible!

Here’s what mine looks like:

A run.
I lace up my shoes and just go.

A shower.
Everything becomes clearer after I feel physically clean and fresh. I can bawl my eyes out in the shower and watch my tears circle the drain.

My journal.
A Google Doc or my Leuchtturm1917. I put down everything that’s on my mind.

Mama noodles.
Shrimp Creamy Tom Yum flavor. Sometimes you just need the easiest nourishment that also tastes fire.

An essay from my long reading list of blogs saved on Instapaper.

A hug.
I text a friend and ask to meet up for a catch up and a hug. Sometimes it’s a digital hug, but I feel it anyway. (I’ve been told that it’s easier for women to do this, but it’s about time the gendered expectation is broken.)

Call Aunt Barb.
I just hear her talk and instantly feel better. As we grow up, the highs and lows both get more intense. She always helps me put things back into perspective and assures me that as long as we act with good will and make decisions we can live with, everything will be okay.

My Glia app
I always share what I’m going through with Glia for meaningful reflection.

A mantra

I came here for a reason
Perhaps there is a life here
Of not being afraid of your own heart beating
Do not be afraid of your own heart beating
Look at very small things with your eyes
& stay warm

The Way to Keep Going in Antarctica
By Bernadette Mayer

Whenever I’m in a rut, I come back to these lines. They remind me that the way forward isn’t grand — it’s small, warm, honest.

The people who love you no matter what

I used to think community alone was enough — people who resonate with your struggle, who’ve been where you are. And community matters. It’s where you feel seen and bounce off your ideas for honest witness.

But the real antidote for getting out of a rut is to fully see that there are people who love you no matter what, and lean into their love. On the flip side, it’s also about asking yourself if you’ve shown up for others and nurtured your relationships with a generous heart?

It’s easy to love someone when they are at their most glamorous. Don’t let that fool you. Real love is those who, whether you hit that mark or not, stay by your side, choose you, and love you. If you have them, do everything to nourish them — these are the people that make life worth living.

From Feb to May 2024, I was in a terrible rut for months. My honest heart knew that the work I was doing wasn’t for me. I began pouring all of my free time into something that’d eventually become Glia. That was the sign of how, as long as we listen to ourselves, our hearts will adamantly choose that one thing we love until it becomes real.

I took a trip with my friends Chris and Tanja, whose intentional way of living life nurtured my doubtful self so much and became the push I needed to reclaim my agency.

Throughout every turn of my journey, my friend Riya tirelessly tested every rough version of Glia, gave me feedback, and stood by my decisions like how she’s stood by everything I wanted to explore and experiment with since we became friends on the first day of university in 2018.

Conversations along the Thames, deciding that London will be the home for Glia (Sep 21, 2024)

Before officially quitting my job, I re-visited London and was sure that it was the place I wanted to come back to for the next chapter of my life. On my visit, I soaked up all the love from my friends — a 13k run (my longest then) with Kuba, who inspired me to take up running; long conversations with Barry and Phineas; and that walk along the Thames, where Francesca looked me in the eyes and said “Do not live in fear, you are ready for the founder life. Plus, it’s the best job ever!”

Then I spent time with Lili and felt so loved and accepted in her sisterly presence. Family too… my uncle patiently gave me fundraising tips, and I picked his brain all the time to navigate the murky waters of the startup world.

Fast forward to April and June this year, I was deadended twice with two engineer breakups. Both unravelled suddenly and left me disheveled. Both times, people in my life showed up and helped me carry the momentum forward.

These are the people who love me for me, founder or not — they just want to see me happy. With them by my side, how can I not put my fear aside, give it all I have, and build this dream to life?